Top 25 funny Chuck Norris quotes

Funny quotes about Chuck Norris always make us laugh. However, if you do laugh, make it quick, ok? Chuck Norris may hear you and then you run for your life. Presenting you our hand picked top 25 funny Chuck Norris quotes…

Chuck Norris died 10 years ago. Death is just too scared to tell him that.

Behind Chuck Norris’s beard it ain’t his chin, but another fist.

Chuck Norris doesn’t laugh, he chuckles.

Chuck Norris never sleeps, he is always awake.

Chuck Norris can’t get the wrong answer to a question. It’s just other answers are bad.

Chuck Norris can smell underwater.

If Chuck Norris spits against the wind, the wind changes the direction.

Chuck Norris looked at the Moon once. Now we always see just one side of it.

Chuck Norris slapped the Headless Rider.

Chuck Norris never uses any map or other navigational means – he ALWAYS goes in the right direction.

When Chuck Norris was eight, he said that 1 + 1 = 5 and he was right.

When kids sleep with a teddy bear, Chuck Norris sleeps with a grizzly bear.

Chuck Norris can solve a Rubic’s cube with a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris can make a snowman with sand.

When Alexander Bell invented the telephone, he missed 3 calls from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn’t call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.

Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck gas tank…that truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris won the World Series of Poker using Pokemon cards.

Chuck Norris won American Idol using only sign language.

Chuck Norris shot the Nazis plane just by pointing his finger and saying “bang”.

The only time Chuck Noris made a mistake was when he thought, he made a mistake.

Chuck doesn’t use any rod when he is fishing. He just tells the fish to come out of the water and number by twos.

Chuck Norris never puts fuel into his car. It just rides, because it’s scared shitless.

The end of the world won’t come yet, because right now Chuck Norris is wondering how it all ends.

The truth is out there – scared of Chuck Norris.

Funny quotes about words of a woman

As relationship quotes and topics about women and men are so popular, we’ve decided to put some lines that we have found worthy to be placed here.
Presenting you the eight words used by a women when speaking to a man and the meaning of them.

1.    Five minutes. It usually means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you were given just five minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. However, if you’re late for an evening party or a meeting, she will spend the “”five minutes” in front of a mirror.

2.    Fine. This word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. There is no need to convince her that she is still wrong and that her attitude is wrong.

3.    Loud sigh. A non verbal statement meaning she is simply speechless and you’re a rare idiot. She wonders how on Earth she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.

4.    That’s OK. This is one of the most dangerous words a woman can say to a man. It means that she wants to think hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistakes.

5.    Nothing. This is the calm before the storm. It surely means something and you should be careful. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end with something.

6.    Don’t worry, I got it. Still another dangerous saying. This is something a woman has told a man to do several times, but now she is doing it herself. This will later result in man asking “what’s wrong”. For the woman’s response, please look at number 5.

7.    Whatever. There is nothing you can do here. Shut up and go away, before it’s too late.

8.    Thanks a lot. Its pure sarcasm and she may not be thanking you at all. So, don’t say things like “you’re welcome”, because if you do – it will bring on “whatever”.

Best life quotes

It would be very difficult to present all best life quotes in one article. Therefore we will try to do it over a number of posts. To tell the truth, there are so many of them that you could actually publish a few huge books and still some of the best quotes would be missing. So, we are on a quest to find the best phrases on life that would inspire and motivate you to do great things or simply do odd jobs about the house seeing meaning in what you do. We hope you will be blessed and inspired.

When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one that has opened for us” by Alexander Graham Bell.

Opportunities never cease. Our problem is that we look in the wrong direction. We concentrate on the problems rather than opportunities. That’s why we are hitting our head against the door which is sealed. We need to turn around and see the door which is open.

Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact” by William James.

Your beliefs are the most powerful tools for making you happy. They change facts and give you direction in life that will take you to places and realities beyond your wildest dreams.

Dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die today” by James Dean.

Don’t be afraid to dream. Spend a lot of time doing that. But never forget that you live today and life here on earth is very short. So, do something to achieve your dreams.

A man sooner or later discovers that he is the master-gardener of his soul, the director of his life” by James Allen.

Yes, much depends on what his thoughts he harbors in his soul. If we take the Word of God and rule our lives by means of it, then everything is fine.

The purpose of life is a life of purpose” by Robert Byrne.

If you do not have a purpose in life you do not live but exist. That’s how most people spend their lives. They just follow the crowd without thinking much where the crowd is going to take them.

In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on” by Robert Frost.

If you got stuck in the past, always remember it. Whatever happened to you, life goes on and you should go on with it. Do not allow your past to control your future. Let the past remain where it really is: in the past.

Not life, but good life, is to be chiefly valued” by Socrates.

A lot of people are satisfied with their mediocre lives. Should they be? I do not believe God meant us to live that way. He wants us to experience the best life possible here on earth and continue experiencing it when we go beyond.

We hope you were blessed by these best life quotes.

Funny quotes to live by

Have you ever thought whether you could have funny quotes to live by as your life mottos? Very often those mottos sound very serious and arouse deep thoughts in us. However, the most sacred universal truth of life can often be put in a very funny way. There are a lot of writers who conveyed those truths to us and when we read them, we start laughing sincerely.

It’s a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it” by William Somerset Maugham.

If you don’t divide your energy and go after one goal, you will definitely reach it. Just don’t give in. You are getting closer to your target, not further.

Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you’re alive, it isn’t” by Richard Bach.

This funny quote to live by, besides being really funny gives us a lot of hope. If you think that you are finished and good for nothing, think again. You are alive and as long as you are, you can do something with your life.

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh – at yourself” by Ethel Barrymore.

People are too proud to laugh from themselves. However, this only shows that they do not really understand their value and believe that they are respectable if they have a serious posture. But serious posture can often show vanity, not respectability.

Funny quotes to live by: “The man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them” by Mark Twain.

That’s how people rob themselves. They have the keys to the well of knowledge, but they don’t bucket from the well. That’s why they are in the same position as those who have no tools to bucket from the well.

It is hard to free fools from the chains they revere” by Voltaire.

We often try to defend the very things that harm us and are meant to destroy us. The faster we get rid of this kind of stupidity the better we will feel and the greater freedom we will experience.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on” by Winston Churchill.

This paradox only proves how much we love gossips, scandals and various sensational things. Unfortunately we do not care much whether the fact we hear and later spread is true or not. By the time the tenth person hears the fact or the story we have communicated to somebody, it is a completely different one with a lot of picturesque details added to it. The ugly part of the thing is that somebody’s reputation is hurt and the person is offended. Well, but it is not us who taste the bitter part of the thing, but the sweet one.

I hope that the next time you lack motivation or inspiration you will read some funny quotes to live by and get a good doze of those things.

Funny friendship quotes

Funny friendship quotes is the topic of the article. We often speak very seriously about relationships with our friends. A theme of fidelity, sincerity and similar topics are covered when true friendship is discussed. However, at any topic you can look from different angles. You can look at a problem and see it from a pessimistic and an optimistic point of view. Depending which point of view you take, your reactions will vary. Let us look at friendship from a funny angle today by reading funny quotes about love and friendship. We sincerely hope that some of the quotes will make you laugh. Here we go!

A good friend can tell you what the matter with you is in a minute. He may not seem such a good friend after telling” by Arthur Brisbane.

Yeah, we want to hear the truth, but when it is actually said to us we become very unhappy. Self deception is deeply rooted in us. We want to hear only nice words. Especially from our friends! Unfortunately, this does not usually happen. We have to see both sides of the coin.

Friends: people who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them” by Edwin Arlington Robinson.

Oh, yes. When relationships are informal you can behave in a very familiar style with the person and even his things. The reaction of the person to such kind of behavior might be absolutely different thing. However, we still forgive for all the little misdeeds that our friends do to us.

A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend stabs you in the heart, but best friends only poke each other with straws” author unknown.

You see, we are always stabbed by somebody, whether a friend or an enemy. Some do it because they love us, some because they hate us. So, be ready to be stabbed, not for death (hopefully).

Friendship is like money, easier made than kept” by Samuel Butler.

Funny, but very true! It is generally much easier to attain something (or somebody) in life than to keep it (him/her). However, it is possible and in case of friends, it is really worthwhile trying.

Friendship. A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul” by Ambrose Bierce.

It could be true in a lot of cases, but not in all. Unfortunately, we are too egoistic and pleasure loving people who would stand for each other in good times and often fail one another in bad ones.

“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them” by Ralph Waldo Emerson.

It is so good not to be under stress when you are conversing with the people you are close with. You are not afraid to say nonsense and be laughed at. Things happen and all of us sometimes say something crazy publicly. Friends understand you and you do not lose credibility in their eyes.

Hope you enjoyed funny friendship quotes.

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